Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
