I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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