so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
