we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
