please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
