nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
