I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
