My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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