So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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