The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
