That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
