Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How does one acquire holy water?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
