dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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