sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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