I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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