I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
