The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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