cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
