After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
