I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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