I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
