i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
