"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
