A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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