Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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