This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
