I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
