you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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