No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
