so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she smelled like a LAN party
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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