Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
