I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
