Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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