I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
