"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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