dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
