What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
