i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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