I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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