i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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