I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
