You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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