Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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