evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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