You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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