What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
