I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
