i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
