even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
