I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
