i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
