I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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