Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize