She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
