You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
