Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The uberlube is also flammable
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
